Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Fate or is it

Last July at this time I was busy dreading the government workshops that were to be underway for a whole two weeks. I wanted no more than to be somewhere else doing anything else .. my plans to go abroad were being put on the back burner and I was just sick of everything classroom related. Stepping into the workshops late as usual... I didn't know  those two weeks would change my life forever..
Meeting you was not spectacular ,there were no fire  works,  no love at first sight and in fact I made it my point of duty to hide from you for a majority of the workshop... not that you weren't good looking,  not that there was something obviously wrong with you I just didn't find you attractive (or did i) I'm so bad at identifying my feelings I probably did like you and didn't realize.
Fast forward to the end of the workshops.. still no correspondence nothing and when I was in the clear I reached out to you ..... days of talking  on the phone turned into a meeting and then blossomed into a relationship.
You met my family I never met yours. We went out for my birthday.. we entertained each other but something was missing... something wasn't quite right and the fact that I didn't know your family or friends didn't dawn on me, for by that time I was already in love... love the horrible four letter word that causes the most problems. I was so enraptured I cut ties and made sacrifices I thought would give me more time to devote to me/ you/us..
The day after calling it quits I found out I was pregnant.. Nothing ever made me more  happy or terrified in my whole life. How was I going to have a baby alone .. we worked it out though and  things were good.. fast forward to your birthday and the day you vanished for over two weeks... silly excuses made me cry and I spent so many sleepless nights wondering where I had gone wrong.. my mom tried to console me telling me it wouldn't be forever and her and my sister were worried that my worry and stress would make the baby ill.. after a spate of low blood pressure and being spoken to about the repercussions I made the conscious effort to throw every waking moment into being happy I was finally getting my boy.
I cried less at night and I was able to talk about you without going home to cry or tearing up.. until one faithful morning I was at a fast food restaurant in the town and you stopped to let off a lady and though I knew that must have been the reason you choose not to be around me or our child... you chose not to come to a single doctors appointment . Not one time I called and expressed sickness were you present so I got the point but seeing for myself... I started crying and it took me about 2 hours to be able to get outta the car.. I was distraught...
Why had I waited so long for a baby and then have all this disappointment and stress. I wanted a partner to share the good times with.  The baby's first kicks, his stretches,his ultrasound, his maternity shoot ,I wanted someone to show all the cute things I bought and received . That phase didn't last long because along came my Savey who really stepped up and though we were are just friends he really made the last couple months manageable no longer was I alone at home n when I wanted to cry, had a back or foot ache he would aptly tease me about my big belly and lend me a shoulder or two hands where applicable..I don't love the father of my child any less I've simply learnt to temper my expectations where he is concerned I've learnt that what I want and what I will receive from the men I love are 2 different things... I've learnt that I can and will dothis alone and I shouldn't base my happiness on love and acceptance from the men in my life.
When I got sick n moved in with my parents I was not amused having been on my own for almost ten years having a houseful was a big adjustment on that was for the better none the less...
Was all this fate or a result of poor planning n terrible execution? Looking down at my sweet baby  boy I don't care what it was that resulted in him I'm  just happy he is here. Every bathe,every smile, every time I get peed on or pooped on, every single bite on my nipple I fall in love with my tiny human all over again... so fate or whatever thank you.. things may not be anything like I had planned it but we're ok... We (kainoa and Toni) we got this.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Social media official

To many this may appear to be a trivial teenage matter but... In this day and age of technology how do you know when to make a relationship social media official? When do you start posting pictures of the one you love? when do you get to scream from the tops of the facebook and instagram peaks that Im inlove and I want you all to see who made me this happy. 

I know I know (side eyed glance and sigh) we should keep our private lives private and we should be careful what parts ofour  lives we share on social media. But, when did our partners become a secret ? When did it become the norm for us to be scared shitless to profess love for someone for everyone to see .  Let ne educate you all: We became scared to publicly identify our partners when the hoe culture became the norm, we stopped posting our partners for fear that they will be seen and their inbox will start popping and our partners will yeild to others and break our hearts. A sad yet true reality of the 21century/technological dating age. 

We became scared to post our partners out of fear that when it works out and we start posting someone else as our loves society would view us in the wrong light. Is my analysis fear or foul. Ive  noticed that my ass has not social media professed love and Ive come to realise that it is out of fear of one of the above listed happening to me. Teenagers I lift my hats off to to you.. You all be "baed" and proffessing love like there is no tomorrow. Adults when did love become so hard for us, when did we lose the fairytale of it all, when did we forget that love should be an all encompassing experience that should not be hid (mark you the sex part should be left for indoors... Well maybe that depends) but let us all get to a place when we dont flood peoples timelines with our partner or make them tired of seeing every single detail of your lives but a kindly reminder that love is good, that this is my boo thang and I'm proud never hurt nobody (that is unless your boo thang is married or has a dozen other boo thangs) Lets get back to a place where we can celebrate love and be fearless about it.





Kindly note: These views are my own barely edited thoughts... Signed me. 

Sunday, 3 January 2016

Why worry...

You know what I worry about? 
I worry that after a long engagement the person who has asked me to marry them will suddenly realise all my flaws and decide that I am no longer worthy of their love and admiration. I worry that the man who will ask me to be his will look past my grand facade of bravery,he will look beyond all my bragadoso, he will look beyond my wonderfully prepared meals, he will look beyond my goddess like looks and my awe inspiring prowess in the bedroom and he will see me. 

What's wrong with me you ask . Nothing from the point of view of many but the fact that I've had a couple men being interested in me and the same men telling me that I'm wife material and I'm not yet married causes a girl to wonder.
 
I'm worried that I may be requiring too much of the men I meet. Am I ? Do you know me? I'm open to council...  I'm worried that I may be too demanding when it comes to the needs that a man must fulfil and the time in which they are to be fulfilled . I'm worried that I may never get married. I'm worried that the society has become one where the men around want a good decent woman like myself and asks us to put up with an endless slew of bullshit/infidelity. They want to have their beautiful cake and eat it as well. I'm worried that my lack of putupsy with foolishness will cause me to be forever single.

What I am not worried about however is the ability of these men and some good ones at that to wife the utter worst of worst women and live a life of utter dis pair  while the bodies and minds of some rather auspicious women are left to wither into the oblivion called old age.

I am not worried that the lord knows exactly what he is doing and is saving me not only from some asshole that would thoroughly and utterly ruin my life but he is honing me to perfection for him. He is keeping this fine body, this fine mind single because he wants to make me the best me for my future husband and child. 

I'm not worried for I know that in 2016 (although I have made no resolutions of my own) the Lord will grant the desires of my heart according to his wisdom and glory and my single friends this year is our yeAr 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Say no to relationships

Relationships can be real tricky things not because there is any much game to be run or strategies to work but simply because two completely different persons with different personalities, different  desires, different outlooks on life and  different work ethics are thrust together by hormones and pheromones and they are expected to compromise and make a joyful union.

Sometimes all we want is for a relationship to work either because we are smitten with the person and we love their ways or we don't see them not being apart of our lives or the complicated and age old problem our parents love them so we are forced to try and love them to or as my good friend puts it those who are in relationships because they are afraid to be alone.

Ive learnt over time that being in a relationship is straineous work and sometimes all the work that needs to be be put in reassuring the other person of your faithfulness and loyalty, going out of your way to make the other person happy and most times not having that reciprocated , dropping the friends who may pose a problem to the relationship  sometimes the hastle just isnt worth it not because you dont love the  person but because most times the sacrifices end up bing one sided and you feel your being seeping away with every sacrifice you make.

I remember being in college and my first real boyfriend was an ok guy he tried to make me happy but he had a problem "that hoe wasnt loyal" every skirt tail blow him run behind it. I stayed out of loyalty and trust me it was the most awful and harrowing experience of my life he was  getting with my classmates, my friends, people he met on the street random girls on campus and then it struck me why be in a relationship that is so straineous and it ended.

It makes no sense being in a relationship just because you think you need to be or because in your mind you think the other person will not be able to get on without you. Do you and make you happy.

Friday, 17 April 2015

Bully fi who

"you know seh if  yuh follow some people you hate them"
Now this imposter caterpillar has been on my case for a while now and for the life of me I cannot figure out why this dun grow troll wont leave my name out of her mouth. Why must she live on my name like a back pocket rag?

I thought bullying was left behind when we graduated high school and at a stretch college. Why must big / adult people engage in such atrocious acts and try to make adults lives worst than they have to be. After my little bout with the enemy I looked around  and I realized that bullying has become a norm, (or was I naive enough to believe that adults didn't bully) its almost as though the harsh economic times and the fact that some persons lives is utterly miserable has forced them to want to make other persons lives miserable as hell.

A friend of mine who is much more aggressive than I am,and a male, related the story to me of how a woman tried to "bully" him and thought she could manage him and when she ran for reinforcement from a friend when her initial attacks failed he had to properly sort out both their businesses. Why cant we mind our own business and pay our many burdening bills and leave other people alone.

When I watch the news I see so many persons being gunned down and they were not involved in any obvious criminal activities I am led to believe that some of these persons were bullies and tried to bully just the wrong individual and sorry to say "get weh d duck get". Before we act on what I have heard is human nature I implore all to think strongly about how others might feel when certain actions are meeted out to them and the physical response that they might be met with when they do certain things . After all,  human beings are physical creatures, they have feelings  and they want nothing but to feel comfortable and when the aggressor thinks they are going to add fuel to a fire burning from a lack of money , a lack of an adequate partner, a lack of a suitable job ,a lack of comfortable  living situations and bills  which seem to want to choke the life out of most Jamaicans the backup they  run to when the fecal matter hits the oscillation device might not be enough to help...

Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

Fresh meat

So the weirdest thing happened to me  not so long ago and I must say that bwoy it is the most horrifying experience in the world. Nothing that anyone can describe or that you can fathom in your mind could ever compare to the feeling of being pushed aside for someone obviously younger.

I know many of you are saying "whaaaaatttttt you barely wipe the milk from you mouth yet you a talk bout", but trust me, when the person you  are trying to build with pushes you aside for a young lass fresh  outta diapers it causes you to question yourself, your worth, your beauty both inside and out and everything that once made you feel beautiful and special in the first place.

Initially hearing about men cheating  with younger women I would say apparently she not doing something she should, maybe she lost the luster in the bedroom or its just that he cant be bothered with her old foot ways but when the shoe fit me I wanted to kick it off and shove it up his butt.

What is it about younger women, women who cant cook, who they cant be seen in public with or whom he cannot take seriously cause them either still in the beg a phone card stage or the please call me stage. What attracts a man to a younger woman? As I am not a  man i will never understand and honestly at this point I don't think I would want to understand either because somethings/habits are simply male and nothing a woman does will ever allow her to truly understand the reasoning behind such actions.

What I learnt from this experience is that I should never base my self worth on how others view me because if it was meant to be that way it would be called others worth. I learnt that I should never count my chickens before they hatch because things can change in the blink of an eye, when a situation is least expected and a situation is hardest to handle. Ive learnt that a man will always go for the freshest meat in the showcase (rotfl...i crack myself up) be it prison worthy or not and Ive also learnt that if a man wants to leave there is nothing a woman can do to stop him (a betta u mek d bugga gwaan guh taste the bitta grass out deh).

Give it some space

By nature I'm not necessarily the mushiest of persons nor am I the clingiest but I do my fair share of both. What I have noticed lately however is that its now the norm to have a clingy partner and if the cling isn't turned up 150%  its utter destruction loss of life, etcetera etcetera. Where did this phenomenon come from ? where did it become oK? and when the hell will it end?

Space to grow and exercise individuality is an important part of all relationships, yes you want to be close to the person you have vowed yourself to, yes you can want to  give them adequate time but when you begin to exasperate the person you are with by constantly breathing in their face and bombarding them with your presence then something isDefinitely   wrong.  

A relationship should have adequate together and alone time. Thereshould definitely   be a time when one partner feels some amount of longing to see and be around the other. I personally believe that without space to grow a relationship  will stifle.