Saturday, 7 October 2017

Ninety six degrees in the shade...Real the shade

The first three months of my pregnancy were the worst.. I could not eat,I was always tired and biggest in my mind at the time I became a single mother chick...
Fast forward two weeks before June 22 and see me big,tired yet quite rosey and never having a problem in the world but being cat called and having swollen feet. Yes cat called, who knew men liked pregnant women🤣. Well the two weeks before your glorious arrival my coworkers decided to guilt me into going home because I hadn't yet taken a break not even a day and they kept teasing me that you were going to be born at school. Why would I want to go home though. My house was lonely and empty and the persons I truly wanted to be around were at work.
God had his own plans though and I became ill for the first time in my second and third trimester I didn't feel well I was forced to go home🤢.
   Happy as a lark my mamma moved me in and tended to our every need. I refused to take antibiotics and any form of med as I somehow felt it would hurt you. I began an intense course of honey and lime and garlic and honey items that I dared not touch before and by God will never touch again... took me awhile but I began to feel like myself again all this time you were perfect all nice and wiggly. My school family called and messaged to check in, my suitors called to check in (yes.let me repeat there are men who were attracted to pregnant me) my friends called to check family never left my side.

June 20 I was in Mandeville with mommy and my two nieces and we had a good lunch date etc. Came home and it so happened a kitten was in our yard. My nieces and I chased the kitten were in the garden and I was just a bundle of giggling bliss... fast forward  an hour... broom in hand and sweeping the verandah....
Gush... gush gush... what the living hell... finish sweeping the verandah...gush...
Mommy sumn yucky going on... water keeping running out of my (points to female bits)
Oh yuh water break gwaan guh bathe.
As I walk gush gush gush
I sit on the toilet and call my friend Marcia and inform her. (Yes kai when you read this Aunty menia) I text my two other friends and  call Rowe  and finish my bathroom business.
Mommy asks if I'm ready and tell her nope , I carry down my hospital bag and request my dinner .. All this time my dad outside has no idea what is happening (men panic and I wanted to eat my dinner and see the news before I left home) mark you my water broke around 3 :15🤣
We dropped my niece home and drove to the hospital.

Arriving at the hospital no one took me seriously that I was in labour as I was so calm and I wasn't hollering in pain (my threshold is quite high) I did all the paperwork. My momma and sister and dad looked so worried (according to mommy me we innah pain n don't talk). The nurses were about to send me home when one smart lady said  let's check her... bloop they can't send me home 3 centimeters dialated.... everyone left me in the hospital. That night I was checked about 8 different times ... no-one could understand why I wasn't feeling any pain.
Early the next morning I was summoned to the labour room and hooked up to machines I would not dialate and was still gushing water ... I could see worry on faces but no-one would speak to me. They attached a monitor to me so they could hear the baby and so began day 2. To be honest I don't remember much of seeing my mom or my family .. I remember them stringing me up my wrist my arm on both hands and the horrible beeping I also remember the hunger I could not eat... had not eaten since the day before.

I would not dilate pass 3 cm and again I felt panicked as not nurses but doctors kept coming to see me and they wouldn't talk in front of me only outside. My pressure kept up and down and the nurses were telling me to relax... I'm hungry (all who know me know I don't manage hunger well) and no-one would tell me what was happening... T hey gave me meds to speed up the labour and had to abort that mission a couple times because the baby's heart rate fell then I panicked so they gave me meds to start then had to give me meds to halt the process and I just would not dilate.

Scared I was, hungry I was, tired as hell I was .. then late in the evening the doctor sent me out. I took the opportunity to eat a little something and make  some calls. That night the lady on the bed beside me lost her baby.. she cried and chatted on the phone  until Fed up and scared by the story she repeated to everyone I got up... asking the nurse at the desk can I sit with you she asked me why angrily ,when I told her ...the tone changed and she said sure... I sat there until morning.

Day 3. They came to get me before 6 and everyone in the room was asking is what happen, is what happen including myself but without a word I was wisked off to the delivery room. Again I didn't see my family and I didn't eat.  I was strung up and the doctor informed me that they were going to do all they could today... by this time my lady parts were in pain from all the prodding my body was in pain from the induced labour and to be honest I did not feel quite there from the drugs. Midday the doctor came back and told me they are going to do an emergency csection if they baby did not come and they gave me more meds... when I screamed in pain the doc told them to give me pain meds... the nurse did so reluctantly and the relief was minuscule. 1,2,3 nothing the doc came back and said we are going to prep you shortly as nothing is happening and the baby may go into duress and in order to ensure both your safety we have to do a c section... half an hour later a nurse check me and tadah to   freaking God I was at 5 cm.
Around 4 I started to feel like I was going crazy my teeth were chattering from the pain and I just could not stop singing (wouldn't even get into my song choices) I called the nurse  and informed her the baby was coming I was instructed to stop my noise as the baby hadnt come all this time how baby muss come now ... I just started yelling that the baby was gonna drop out and she came huffing and puffing reached her gloved hand down and then began to panic.  She was running around trying to get dressed trying to give me instructions and getting everything together. She told me to push and things happened nasty things happened but no baby .. my boy was stuck in the birthing canal... the nurse was yelling that I was killing the baby and panic set in I started to cry my blood pressure went sky high and nothing I could not push I could do nothing and everyone was panicking I was giving up... I was suddenly just so tired.

Then across the room I heard a lady rejoicing and praying and saying thank you for her baby and I thought.. but this Oman old and barky and me young and fit... God bless me with a healthy seed and me a form fool... one push and nothing two pushes and kai slid onto the bed and into the world a mess of insides and shooting pee all over the place.the nurse asked what kind of baby do you have I said I don't know, she said look...I looked and said I don't know but the last time she asked I said I have my boy my kainoa I was so ecstatic I just cried I held my mess of a boy on my hands. The doctors came shortly after and took him away... they ran all sorts of tests and I sat patiently and waited as he was in the passage and in me for so long after my water broke he was sort of an anomaly and they had to check that all was well...

He was so tiny and he was mine I held him and kissed him and prayed over him ...when I got out my momma and Carolyn and Steve were there ... mommy was so relieved. She thought I had died or the baby had died(she said I would have had to be put on suicide watch if that had happened) . That night doctors came to see the baby and the next morning the same. All introduced themselves checked him and gave me numbers to call if I see anything at all with the baby.  3 months 2 weeks later what have I seen with the baby nothing but a chest rattle he was born with and an advanced 18 pound chunk of activeness.

Never have I felt a love so pure ,so unwavering so raw and animalistic.

Kai when your older and you read this just see what mommy went through to have you, when you think of doing something bad read this and know,  when you  feel even the slightest bit unloved read this and know  MOMMY LOVES YOU AND SHE WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN HER POWER FOR YOU😘.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017


Becoming a new mom, a young single mom has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. Alone at nights I would wake up in a fit of panic wondering if I'd be a good mother, why I'm alone, if I'll be able to do this alone and here I am kai on my chest sleep deprived(This boy went to bed around 1am) filled with l love listening to SZA and wondering thinking and thanking God.

I regularly wonder what my life would be like if I had skipped that one message, if I'd ignored you like I'd planned to or if I had gone with my gut feelings and side stepped your ass.. but guess who can't live in the past. Every time I think of this little boy, he holds my hand or smiles at me I know all the crap yielded something special.. I used to cry myself to sleep especially on nights when I felt alone but look what I have on my chest now... preciousness.

I think about how my child doesn't have a father and probably never will and it breaks me.  I look at him and mommy thinks about how she will have to over compensate to fill the role that has never been filled and appears will never be filled.  (Took this boy off my chest and he is awake... already a mommas boy... one eye pops open n he is back in my arms) think of all the bum dad's n wonder what's wrong with these niggas..

I hope kainoa knows how much mommy loves him at the end of the day.. I hope he knows I think every ounce of tear is worth it... I hope he knows I will support his every decision and I hope he knows I'll knock him upside the head if he thinks he can be nothing but absolutely awesome.

I am by no means done crying neither am I done worrying that I'm doing this all wrong but I am sure that I'm not going anywhere n kai will have his mommy for as long as he wants .. (yes I am serious he will be in my bed till he 18.. think that's more for me than him tho)🙈

You know what I wonder? I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering.. if I'll ever stop finding things to apologise to this boy for... I wonder if ill ever feel like I'm doing it right or if I'm worthy of this sweet boy...

I wonder

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Fate or is it

Last July at this time I was busy dreading the government workshops that were to be underway for a whole two weeks. I wanted no more than to be somewhere else doing anything else .. my plans to go abroad were being put on the back burner and I was just sick of everything classroom related. Stepping into the workshops late as usual... I didn't know  those two weeks would change my life forever..
Meeting you was not spectacular ,there were no fire  works,  no love at first sight and in fact I made it my point of duty to hide from you for a majority of the workshop... not that you weren't good looking,  not that there was something obviously wrong with you I just didn't find you attractive (or did i) I'm so bad at identifying my feelings I probably did like you and didn't realize.
Fast forward to the end of the workshops.. still no correspondence nothing and when I was in the clear I reached out to you ..... days of talking  on the phone turned into a meeting and then blossomed into a relationship.
You met my family I never met yours. We went out for my birthday.. we entertained each other but something was missing... something wasn't quite right and the fact that I didn't know your family or friends didn't dawn on me, for by that time I was already in love... love the horrible four letter word that causes the most problems. I was so enraptured I cut ties and made sacrifices I thought would give me more time to devote to me/ you/us..
The day after calling it quits I found out I was pregnant.. Nothing ever made me more  happy or terrified in my whole life. How was I going to have a baby alone .. we worked it out though and  things were good.. fast forward to your birthday and the day you vanished for over two weeks... silly excuses made me cry and I spent so many sleepless nights wondering where I had gone wrong.. my mom tried to console me telling me it wouldn't be forever and her and my sister were worried that my worry and stress would make the baby ill.. after a spate of low blood pressure and being spoken to about the repercussions I made the conscious effort to throw every waking moment into being happy I was finally getting my boy.
I cried less at night and I was able to talk about you without going home to cry or tearing up.. until one faithful morning I was at a fast food restaurant in the town and you stopped to let off a lady and though I knew that must have been the reason you choose not to be around me or our child... you chose not to come to a single doctors appointment . Not one time I called and expressed sickness were you present so I got the point but seeing for myself... I started crying and it took me about 2 hours to be able to get outta the car.. I was distraught...
Why had I waited so long for a baby and then have all this disappointment and stress. I wanted a partner to share the good times with.  The baby's first kicks, his stretches,his ultrasound, his maternity shoot ,I wanted someone to show all the cute things I bought and received . That phase didn't last long because along came my Savey who really stepped up and though we were are just friends he really made the last couple months manageable no longer was I alone at home n when I wanted to cry, had a back or foot ache he would aptly tease me about my big belly and lend me a shoulder or two hands where applicable..I don't love the father of my child any less I've simply learnt to temper my expectations where he is concerned I've learnt that what I want and what I will receive from the men I love are 2 different things... I've learnt that I can and will dothis alone and I shouldn't base my happiness on love and acceptance from the men in my life.
When I got sick n moved in with my parents I was not amused having been on my own for almost ten years having a houseful was a big adjustment on that was for the better none the less...
Was all this fate or a result of poor planning n terrible execution? Looking down at my sweet baby  boy I don't care what it was that resulted in him I'm  just happy he is here. Every bathe,every smile, every time I get peed on or pooped on, every single bite on my nipple I fall in love with my tiny human all over again... so fate or whatever thank you.. things may not be anything like I had planned it but we're ok... We (kainoa and Toni) we got this.

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Social media official

To many this may appear to be a trivial teenage matter but... In this day and age of technology how do you know when to make a relationship social media official? When do you start posting pictures of the one you love? when do you get to scream from the tops of the facebook and instagram peaks that Im inlove and I want you all to see who made me this happy. 

I know I know (side eyed glance and sigh) we should keep our private lives private and we should be careful what parts ofour  lives we share on social media. But, when did our partners become a secret ? When did it become the norm for us to be scared shitless to profess love for someone for everyone to see .  Let ne educate you all: We became scared to publicly identify our partners when the hoe culture became the norm, we stopped posting our partners for fear that they will be seen and their inbox will start popping and our partners will yeild to others and break our hearts. A sad yet true reality of the 21century/technological dating age. 

We became scared to post our partners out of fear that when it works out and we start posting someone else as our loves society would view us in the wrong light. Is my analysis fear or foul. Ive  noticed that my ass has not social media professed love and Ive come to realise that it is out of fear of one of the above listed happening to me. Teenagers I lift my hats off to to you.. You all be "baed" and proffessing love like there is no tomorrow. Adults when did love become so hard for us, when did we lose the fairytale of it all, when did we forget that love should be an all encompassing experience that should not be hid (mark you the sex part should be left for indoors... Well maybe that depends) but let us all get to a place when we dont flood peoples timelines with our partner or make them tired of seeing every single detail of your lives but a kindly reminder that love is good, that this is my boo thang and I'm proud never hurt nobody (that is unless your boo thang is married or has a dozen other boo thangs) Lets get back to a place where we can celebrate love and be fearless about it.

Kindly note: These views are my own barely edited thoughts... Signed me. 

Sunday, 3 January 2016

Why worry...

You know what I worry about? 
I worry that after a long engagement the person who has asked me to marry them will suddenly realise all my flaws and decide that I am no longer worthy of their love and admiration. I worry that the man who will ask me to be his will look past my grand facade of bravery,he will look beyond all my bragadoso, he will look beyond my wonderfully prepared meals, he will look beyond my goddess like looks and my awe inspiring prowess in the bedroom and he will see me. 

What's wrong with me you ask . Nothing from the point of view of many but the fact that I've had a couple men being interested in me and the same men telling me that I'm wife material and I'm not yet married causes a girl to wonder.
I'm worried that I may be requiring too much of the men I meet. Am I ? Do you know me? I'm open to council...  I'm worried that I may be too demanding when it comes to the needs that a man must fulfil and the time in which they are to be fulfilled . I'm worried that I may never get married. I'm worried that the society has become one where the men around want a good decent woman like myself and asks us to put up with an endless slew of bullshit/infidelity. They want to have their beautiful cake and eat it as well. I'm worried that my lack of putupsy with foolishness will cause me to be forever single.

What I am not worried about however is the ability of these men and some good ones at that to wife the utter worst of worst women and live a life of utter dis pair  while the bodies and minds of some rather auspicious women are left to wither into the oblivion called old age.

I am not worried that the lord knows exactly what he is doing and is saving me not only from some asshole that would thoroughly and utterly ruin my life but he is honing me to perfection for him. He is keeping this fine body, this fine mind single because he wants to make me the best me for my future husband and child. 

I'm not worried for I know that in 2016 (although I have made no resolutions of my own) the Lord will grant the desires of my heart according to his wisdom and glory and my single friends this year is our yeAr 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

Sunday, 19 April 2015

Say no to relationships

Relationships can be real tricky things not because there is any much game to be run or strategies to work but simply because two completely different persons with different personalities, different  desires, different outlooks on life and  different work ethics are thrust together by hormones and pheromones and they are expected to compromise and make a joyful union.

Sometimes all we want is for a relationship to work either because we are smitten with the person and we love their ways or we don't see them not being apart of our lives or the complicated and age old problem our parents love them so we are forced to try and love them to or as my good friend puts it those who are in relationships because they are afraid to be alone.

Ive learnt over time that being in a relationship is straineous work and sometimes all the work that needs to be be put in reassuring the other person of your faithfulness and loyalty, going out of your way to make the other person happy and most times not having that reciprocated , dropping the friends who may pose a problem to the relationship  sometimes the hastle just isnt worth it not because you dont love the  person but because most times the sacrifices end up bing one sided and you feel your being seeping away with every sacrifice you make.

I remember being in college and my first real boyfriend was an ok guy he tried to make me happy but he had a problem "that hoe wasnt loyal" every skirt tail blow him run behind it. I stayed out of loyalty and trust me it was the most awful and harrowing experience of my life he was  getting with my classmates, my friends, people he met on the street random girls on campus and then it struck me why be in a relationship that is so straineous and it ended.

It makes no sense being in a relationship just because you think you need to be or because in your mind you think the other person will not be able to get on without you. Do you and make you happy.

Friday, 17 April 2015

Bully fi who

"you know seh if  yuh follow some people you hate them"
Now this imposter caterpillar has been on my case for a while now and for the life of me I cannot figure out why this dun grow troll wont leave my name out of her mouth. Why must she live on my name like a back pocket rag?

I thought bullying was left behind when we graduated high school and at a stretch college. Why must big / adult people engage in such atrocious acts and try to make adults lives worst than they have to be. After my little bout with the enemy I looked around  and I realized that bullying has become a norm, (or was I naive enough to believe that adults didn't bully) its almost as though the harsh economic times and the fact that some persons lives is utterly miserable has forced them to want to make other persons lives miserable as hell.

A friend of mine who is much more aggressive than I am,and a male, related the story to me of how a woman tried to "bully" him and thought she could manage him and when she ran for reinforcement from a friend when her initial attacks failed he had to properly sort out both their businesses. Why cant we mind our own business and pay our many burdening bills and leave other people alone.

When I watch the news I see so many persons being gunned down and they were not involved in any obvious criminal activities I am led to believe that some of these persons were bullies and tried to bully just the wrong individual and sorry to say "get weh d duck get". Before we act on what I have heard is human nature I implore all to think strongly about how others might feel when certain actions are meeted out to them and the physical response that they might be met with when they do certain things . After all,  human beings are physical creatures, they have feelings  and they want nothing but to feel comfortable and when the aggressor thinks they are going to add fuel to a fire burning from a lack of money , a lack of an adequate partner, a lack of a suitable job ,a lack of comfortable  living situations and bills  which seem to want to choke the life out of most Jamaicans the backup they  run to when the fecal matter hits the oscillation device might not be enough to help...

Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.