Becoming a new mom, a young single mom has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. Alone at nights I would wake up in a fit of panic wondering if I'd be a good mother, why I'm alone, if I'll be able to do this alone and here I am kai on my chest sleep deprived(This boy went to bed around 1am) filled with l love listening to SZA and wondering thinking and thanking God.
I regularly wonder what my life would be like if I had skipped that one message, if I'd ignored you like I'd planned to or if I had gone with my gut feelings and side stepped your ass.. but guess who can't live in the past. Every time I think of this little boy, he holds my hand or smiles at me I know all the crap yielded something special.. I used to cry myself to sleep especially on nights when I felt alone but look what I have on my chest now... preciousness.
I think about how my child doesn't have a father and probably never will and it breaks me. I look at him and mommy thinks about how she will have to over compensate to fill the role that has never been filled and appears will never be filled. (Took this boy off my chest and he is awake... already a mommas boy... one eye pops open n he is back in my arms) think of all the bum dad's n wonder what's wrong with these niggas..
I hope kainoa knows how much mommy loves him at the end of the day.. I hope he knows I think every ounce of tear is worth it... I hope he knows I will support his every decision and I hope he knows I'll knock him upside the head if he thinks he can be nothing but absolutely awesome.
I am by no means done crying neither am I done worrying that I'm doing this all wrong but I am sure that I'm not going anywhere n kai will have his mommy for as long as he wants .. (yes I am serious he will be in my bed till he 18.. think that's more for me than him tho)🙈
You know what I wonder? I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering.. if I'll ever stop finding things to apologise to this boy for... I wonder if ill ever feel like I'm doing it right or if I'm worthy of this sweet boy...