Wednesday, 9 August 2017

2kap

Becoming a new mom, a young single mom has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. Alone at nights I would wake up in a fit of panic wondering if I'd be a good mother, why I'm alone, if I'll be able to do this alone and here I am kai on my chest sleep deprived(This boy went to bed around 1am) filled with l love listening to SZA and wondering thinking and thanking God.

I regularly wonder what my life would be like if I had skipped that one message, if I'd ignored you like I'd planned to or if I had gone with my gut feelings and side stepped your ass.. but guess who can't live in the past. Every time I think of this little boy, he holds my hand or smiles at me I know all the crap yielded something special.. I used to cry myself to sleep especially on nights when I felt alone but look what I have on my chest now... preciousness.

I think about how my child doesn't have a father and probably never will and it breaks me.  I look at him and mommy thinks about how she will have to over compensate to fill the role that has never been filled and appears will never be filled.  (Took this boy off my chest and he is awake... already a mommas boy... one eye pops open n he is back in my arms) think of all the bum dad's n wonder what's wrong with these niggas..

I hope kainoa knows how much mommy loves him at the end of the day.. I hope he knows I think every ounce of tear is worth it... I hope he knows I will support his every decision and I hope he knows I'll knock him upside the head if he thinks he can be nothing but absolutely awesome.

I am by no means done crying neither am I done worrying that I'm doing this all wrong but I am sure that I'm not going anywhere n kai will have his mommy for as long as he wants .. (yes I am serious he will be in my bed till he 18.. think that's more for me than him tho)🙈

You know what I wonder? I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering.. if I'll ever stop finding things to apologise to this boy for... I wonder if ill ever feel like I'm doing it right or if I'm worthy of this sweet boy...

I wonder

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Fate or is it

Last July at this time I was busy dreading the government workshops that were to be underway for a whole two weeks. I wanted no more than to be somewhere else doing anything else .. my plans to go abroad were being put on the back burner and I was just sick of everything classroom related. Stepping into the workshops late as usual... I didn't know  those two weeks would change my life forever..
Meeting you was not spectacular ,there were no fire  works,  no love at first sight and in fact I made it my point of duty to hide from you for a majority of the workshop... not that you weren't good looking,  not that there was something obviously wrong with you I just didn't find you attractive (or did i) I'm so bad at identifying my feelings I probably did like you and didn't realize.
Fast forward to the end of the workshops.. still no correspondence nothing and when I was in the clear I reached out to you ..... days of talking  on the phone turned into a meeting and then blossomed into a relationship.
You met my family I never met yours. We went out for my birthday.. we entertained each other but something was missing... something wasn't quite right and the fact that I didn't know your family or friends didn't dawn on me, for by that time I was already in love... love the horrible four letter word that causes the most problems. I was so enraptured I cut ties and made sacrifices I thought would give me more time to devote to me/ you/us..
The day after calling it quits I found out I was pregnant.. Nothing ever made me more  happy or terrified in my whole life. How was I going to have a baby alone .. we worked it out though and  things were good.. fast forward to your birthday and the day you vanished for over two weeks... silly excuses made me cry and I spent so many sleepless nights wondering where I had gone wrong.. my mom tried to console me telling me it wouldn't be forever and her and my sister were worried that my worry and stress would make the baby ill.. after a spate of low blood pressure and being spoken to about the repercussions I made the conscious effort to throw every waking moment into being happy I was finally getting my boy.
I cried less at night and I was able to talk about you without going home to cry or tearing up.. until one faithful morning I was at a fast food restaurant in the town and you stopped to let off a lady and though I knew that must have been the reason you choose not to be around me or our child... you chose not to come to a single doctors appointment . Not one time I called and expressed sickness were you present so I got the point but seeing for myself... I started crying and it took me about 2 hours to be able to get outta the car.. I was distraught...
Why had I waited so long for a baby and then have all this disappointment and stress. I wanted a partner to share the good times with.  The baby's first kicks, his stretches,his ultrasound, his maternity shoot ,I wanted someone to show all the cute things I bought and received . That phase didn't last long because along came my Savey who really stepped up and though we were are just friends he really made the last couple months manageable no longer was I alone at home n when I wanted to cry, had a back or foot ache he would aptly tease me about my big belly and lend me a shoulder or two hands where applicable..I don't love the father of my child any less I've simply learnt to temper my expectations where he is concerned I've learnt that what I want and what I will receive from the men I love are 2 different things... I've learnt that I can and will dothis alone and I shouldn't base my happiness on love and acceptance from the men in my life.
When I got sick n moved in with my parents I was not amused having been on my own for almost ten years having a houseful was a big adjustment on that was for the better none the less...
Was all this fate or a result of poor planning n terrible execution? Looking down at my sweet baby  boy I don't care what it was that resulted in him I'm  just happy he is here. Every bathe,every smile, every time I get peed on or pooped on, every single bite on my nipple I fall in love with my tiny human all over again... so fate or whatever thank you.. things may not be anything like I had planned it but we're ok... We (kainoa and Toni) we got this.