Saturday, 7 October 2017

Ninety six degrees in the shade...Real hot...in the shade

The first three months of my pregnancy were the worst.. I could not eat,I was always tired and biggest in my mind at the time I became a single mother chick...
Fast forward two weeks before June 22 and see me big,tired yet quite rosey and never having a problem in the world but being cat called and having swollen feet. Yes cat called, who knew men liked pregnant women🤣. Well the two weeks before your glorious arrival my coworkers decided to guilt me into going home because I hadn't yet taken a break not even a day and they kept teasing me that you were going to be born at school. Why would I want to go home though. My house was lonely and empty and the persons I truly wanted to be around were at work.
God had his own plans though and I became ill for the first time in my second and third trimester I didn't feel well I was forced to go home🤢.
   Happy as a lark my mamma moved me in and tended to our every need. I refused to take antibiotics and any form of med as I somehow felt it would hurt you. I began an intense course of honey and lime and garlic and honey items that I dared not touch before and by God will never touch again... took me awhile but I began to feel like myself again all this time you were perfect all nice and wiggly. My school family called and messaged to check in, my suitors called to check in (yes.let me repeat there are men who were attracted to pregnant me) my friends called to check in...my family never left my side.

June 20 I was in Mandeville with mommy and my two nieces and we had a good lunch date etc. Came home and it so happened a kitten was in our yard. My nieces and I chased the kitten were in the garden and I was just a bundle of giggling bliss... fast forward  an hour... broom in hand and sweeping the verandah....
Gush... gush gush... what the living hell... finish sweeping the verandah...gush...
Mommy sumn yucky going on... water keeping running out of my (points to female bits)
Oh yuh water break gwaan guh bathe.
As I walk gush gush gush
I sit on the toilet and call my friend Marcia and inform her. (Yes kai when you read this Aunty menia) I text my two other friends and  call Rowe  and finish my bathroom business.
Mommy asks if I'm ready and tell her nope , I carry down my hospital bag and request my dinner .. All this time my dad outside has no idea what is happening (men panic and I wanted to eat my dinner and see the news before I left home) mark you my water broke around 3 :15🤣
We dropped my niece home and drove to the hospital.

Arriving at the hospital no one took me seriously that I was in labour as I was so calm and I wasn't hollering in pain (my threshold is quite high) I did all the paperwork. My momma and sister and dad looked so worried (according to mommy me we innah pain n don't talk). The nurses were about to send me home when one smart lady said  let's check her... bloop they can't send me home 3 centimeters dialated.... everyone left me in the hospital. That night I was checked about 8 different times ... no-one could understand why I wasn't feeling any pain.
Early the next morning I was summoned to the labour room and hooked up to machines I would not dialate and was still gushing water ... I could see worry on faces but no-one would speak to me. They attached a monitor to me so they could hear the baby and so began day 2. To be honest I don't remember much of seeing my mom or my family .. I remember them stringing me up my wrist my arm on both hands and the horrible beeping I also remember the hunger I could not eat... had not eaten since the day before.

I would not dilate pass 3 cm and again I felt panicked as not nurses but doctors kept coming to see me and they wouldn't talk in front of me only outside. My pressure kept up and down and the nurses were telling me to relax... I'm hungry (all who know me know I don't manage hunger well) and no-one would tell me what was happening... T hey gave me meds to speed up the labour and had to abort that mission a couple times because the baby's heart rate fell then I panicked so they gave me meds to start then had to give me meds to halt the process and I just would not dilate.

Scared I was, hungry I was, tired as hell I was .. then late in the evening the doctor sent me out. I took the opportunity to eat a little something and make  some calls. That night the lady on the bed beside me lost her baby.. she cried and chatted on the phone  until Fed up and scared by the story she repeated to everyone I got up... asking the nurse at the desk can I sit with you she asked me why angrily ,when I told her ...the tone changed and she said sure... I sat there until morning.

Day 3. They came to get me before 6 and everyone in the room was asking is what happen, is what happen including myself but without a word I was wisked off to the delivery room. Again I didn't see my family and I didn't eat.  I was strung up and the doctor informed me that they were going to do all they could today... by this time my lady parts were in pain from all the prodding my body was in pain from the induced labour and to be honest I did not feel quite there from the drugs. Midday the doctor came back and told me they are going to do an emergency csection if they baby did not come and they gave me more meds... when I screamed in pain the doc told them to give me pain meds... the nurse did so reluctantly and the relief was minuscule. 1,2,3 nothing the doc came back and said we are going to prep you shortly as nothing is happening and the baby may go into duress and in order to ensure both your safety we have to do a c section... half an hour later a nurse check me and tadah to   freaking God I was at 5 cm.
Around 4 I started to feel like I was going crazy my teeth were chattering from the pain and I just could not stop singing (wouldn't even get into my song choices) I called the nurse  and informed her the baby was coming I was instructed to stop my noise as the baby hadnt come all this time how baby muss come now ... I just started yelling that the baby was gonna drop out and she came huffing and puffing reached her gloved hand down and then began to panic.  She was running around trying to get dressed trying to give me instructions and getting everything together. She told me to push and things happened nasty things happened but no baby .. my boy was stuck in the birthing canal... the nurse was yelling that I was killing the baby and panic set in I started to cry my blood pressure went sky high and nothing I could not push I could do nothing and everyone was panicking I was giving up... I was suddenly just so tired.

Then across the room I heard a lady rejoicing and praying and saying thank you for her baby and I thought.. but this Oman old and barky and me young and fit... God bless me with a healthy seed and me a form fool... one push and nothing two pushes and kai slid onto the bed and into the world a mess of insides and shooting pee all over the place.the nurse asked what kind of baby do you have I said I don't know, she said look...I looked and said I don't know but the last time she asked I said I have my boy my kainoa I was so ecstatic I just cried I held my mess of a boy on my hands. The doctors came shortly after and took him away... they ran all sorts of tests and I sat patiently and waited as he was in the passage and in me for so long after my water broke he was sort of an anomaly and they had to check that all was well...

He was so tiny and he was mine I held him and kissed him and prayed over him ...when I got out my momma and Carolyn and Steve were there ... mommy was so relieved. She thought I had died or the baby had died(she said I would have had to be put on suicide watch if that had happened) . That night doctors came to see the baby and the next morning the same. All introduced themselves checked him and gave me numbers to call if I see anything at all with the baby.  3 months 2 weeks later what have I seen with the baby nothing but a chest rattle he was born with and an advanced 18 pound chunk of activeness.

Never have I felt a love so pure ,so unwavering so raw and animalistic.

Kai when your older and you read this just see what mommy went through to have you, when you think of doing something bad read this and know,  when you  feel even the slightest bit unloved read this and know  MOMMY LOVES YOU AND SHE WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN HER POWER FOR YOU😘.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

2kap

Becoming a new mom, a young single mom has been one of the scariest experiences of my life. Alone at nights I would wake up in a fit of panic wondering if I'd be a good mother, why I'm alone, if I'll be able to do this alone and here I am kai on my chest sleep deprived(This boy went to bed around 1am) filled with l love listening to SZA and wondering thinking and thanking God.

I regularly wonder what my life would be like if I had skipped that one message, if I'd ignored you like I'd planned to or if I had gone with my gut feelings and side stepped your ass.. but guess who can't live in the past. Every time I think of this little boy, he holds my hand or smiles at me I know all the crap yielded something special.. I used to cry myself to sleep especially on nights when I felt alone but look what I have on my chest now... preciousness.

I think about how my child doesn't have a father and probably never will and it breaks me.  I look at him and mommy thinks about how she will have to over compensate to fill the role that has never been filled and appears will never be filled.  (Took this boy off my chest and he is awake... already a mommas boy... one eye pops open n he is back in my arms) think of all the bum dad's n wonder what's wrong with these niggas..

I hope kainoa knows how much mommy loves him at the end of the day.. I hope he knows I think every ounce of tear is worth it... I hope he knows I will support his every decision and I hope he knows I'll knock him upside the head if he thinks he can be nothing but absolutely awesome.

I am by no means done crying neither am I done worrying that I'm doing this all wrong but I am sure that I'm not going anywhere n kai will have his mommy for as long as he wants .. (yes I am serious he will be in my bed till he 18.. think that's more for me than him tho)🙈

You know what I wonder? I wonder if I'll ever stop wondering.. if I'll ever stop finding things to apologise to this boy for... I wonder if ill ever feel like I'm doing it right or if I'm worthy of this sweet boy...

I wonder

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

Fate or is it

Last July at this time I was busy dreading the government workshops that were to be underway for a whole two weeks. I wanted no more than to be somewhere else doing anything else .. my plans to go abroad were being put on the back burner and I was just sick of everything classroom related. Stepping into the workshops late as usual... I didn't know  those two weeks would change my life forever..
Meeting you was not spectacular ,there were no fire  works,  no love at first sight and in fact I made it my point of duty to hide from you for a majority of the workshop... not that you weren't good looking,  not that there was something obviously wrong with you I just didn't find you attractive (or did i) I'm so bad at identifying my feelings I probably did like you and didn't realize.
Fast forward to the end of the workshops.. still no correspondence nothing and when I was in the clear I reached out to you ..... days of talking  on the phone turned into a meeting and then blossomed into a relationship.
You met my family I never met yours. We went out for my birthday.. we entertained each other but something was missing... something wasn't quite right and the fact that I didn't know your family or friends didn't dawn on me, for by that time I was already in love... love the horrible four letter word that causes the most problems. I was so enraptured I cut ties and made sacrifices I thought would give me more time to devote to me/ you/us..
The day after calling it quits I found out I was pregnant.. Nothing ever made me more  happy or terrified in my whole life. How was I going to have a baby alone .. we worked it out though and  things were good.. fast forward to your birthday and the day you vanished for over two weeks... silly excuses made me cry and I spent so many sleepless nights wondering where I had gone wrong.. my mom tried to console me telling me it wouldn't be forever and her and my sister were worried that my worry and stress would make the baby ill.. after a spate of low blood pressure and being spoken to about the repercussions I made the conscious effort to throw every waking moment into being happy I was finally getting my boy.
I cried less at night and I was able to talk about you without going home to cry or tearing up.. until one faithful morning I was at a fast food restaurant in the town and you stopped to let off a lady and though I knew that must have been the reason you choose not to be around me or our child... you chose not to come to a single doctors appointment . Not one time I called and expressed sickness were you present so I got the point but seeing for myself... I started crying and it took me about 2 hours to be able to get outta the car.. I was distraught...
Why had I waited so long for a baby and then have all this disappointment and stress. I wanted a partner to share the good times with.  The baby's first kicks, his stretches,his ultrasound, his maternity shoot ,I wanted someone to show all the cute things I bought and received . That phase didn't last long because along came my Savey who really stepped up and though we were are just friends he really made the last couple months manageable no longer was I alone at home n when I wanted to cry, had a back or foot ache he would aptly tease me about my big belly and lend me a shoulder or two hands where applicable..I don't love the father of my child any less I've simply learnt to temper my expectations where he is concerned I've learnt that what I want and what I will receive from the men I love are 2 different things... I've learnt that I can and will dothis alone and I shouldn't base my happiness on love and acceptance from the men in my life.
When I got sick n moved in with my parents I was not amused having been on my own for almost ten years having a houseful was a big adjustment on that was for the better none the less...
Was all this fate or a result of poor planning n terrible execution? Looking down at my sweet baby  boy I don't care what it was that resulted in him I'm  just happy he is here. Every bathe,every smile, every time I get peed on or pooped on, every single bite on my nipple I fall in love with my tiny human all over again... so fate or whatever thank you.. things may not be anything like I had planned it but we're ok... We (kainoa and Toni) we got this.